The compulsion only seems to hit when I ride my bike.
It's like I am hit with a tractor beam and I need to immediately act upon the one thing I am urged to do.
Tonight was one of those nights.
I was coming home from work and as I passed on a quiet street coming up to a main road, the "sit" voice roared up. So I stopped. Over time, I have learned to heed this voice. It's like a master calling his steed, or his dog or his apprentice. The Dude abides.
I hopped onto the sidewalk and found a set of small steps attached to a school. I sat and stared at the church across the street. Two raccoons scurried nearby, disappearing into the shrubs.
I sat and closed my eyes. The cold air cut across my face.
Now I never knew to what or who I speak to when I do this sort of thing. I sometimes call it God, or the Universe. I am starting to wonder if it may be my Higher Self - the sort of purer, unattached, more enlightened me, unencumbered by the garbage expelled by ego, pride and judgement.
"Am I doing the things I should be doing right now?" I asked in my mind.
Silence usually means I need to rephrase the question. It's sort of like a Ouija board in that regard - you have to figure out what to ask.
"Am I on the right path in what I am doing now?"
"Yes," Higher Self replied.
"How do I know this?"
"If it plays to your heart, then you are there."
"Will I know what is going to happen next?"
"Then why should I keep doing it?"
"Because it's fun. It's playing to your soul."
"What should I do about all the crazy stuff that's being going on at work, and the things that are started to bother me?"
And then I had a vision flash in front of me - a hand - my hand - slowly unfolding from a fist to an open palm.
"Let go," it seemed to say.
So letting go was the command. A reminder to lighten the emotional and mental load with the (not so) simple act of allowing the Universe to take things on. To stay connected to the Vision, to what plays into my heart. To sit and feel the energy cascade throughout me and outwards. To take myself off the hook so that I could focus on the things that really are important to me.
I was able to just sit, there on concrete steps on a chilly night, and actually feel relief lift off of me. To actually feel that I am doing what I need to do; to what is speaking to me now, to be in tune with where I need to be. What a joy! I have always been afraid to just go with what that voice inside me has always nudged me to do, but now it feels right. It feels like I am summoned to complete something I started a long time ago, before I had a voice and a face and arms and hands.
The sound of a taxi horn broke the silence. The raccoons screeched in the shrubs. I opened my eyes and saw my bike laying on the hardened winter dirt. I got up, wiped the seat of my pants and stared at the sky. I knew that once again, I was given direction. It was like I needed to sit at the feet of the Universe and take in another gentle and kind lesson. To check in. See if the meter is in the red or the green. And right now, things seem to be green. Time to keep moving forward.
I hopped on my bike and rode home.