"I simply felt alone, one leaf sitting miles away from a giant, communal pile" - Dan Wells
It's one of those days. I get them. The "less-than" day. Wearing the '<' symbol as a crown and knighting all my issues and fears with greater importance than they deserve. I start to wonder if what I am doing here, there and everywhere is worth it. I start to compare (uh oh) myself to others. I start to line up the cosmic scales and measure out my meagre pebbles against mighty boulders. I look at the what I consider mansions in the sky and stare down at the crumbling sand castles at my feet.
I know this is a façade. A mental and spiritual swindle. A bait-and-switch that my ego uses to make me kick myself in the teeth for its own amusement. Knowing this all doesn't always make that feeling dissipate. Sometimes the thoughts, which control emotions, which intensifies further thoughts, just win out. I am not a spiritual giant. I don't always come out on top. But at least I know what I'm up against. It's a riptide that I just ride out. I have been here before and I will be here again. No indictment, just fact.
I know, I know. I have my toolkit. I have all those things that I tell others they should use. I can do this and I can do that. Sometimes I just sit with it. Get real uncomfortable-like. Why? Why not? It's not debilitating. I am getting much done today. I am forging ahead with what I need to do. I am still looking at the big picture and still praying and still folding laundry and working on my projects and taking in the mail. Life doesn't stand still for the less-than days. The days just have a bit of a dullness to them. A rough edge. A dimmer hue. And I am okay with that. I can't ride unicorns all day, every day.
What's the point of all this, Mr. Doom and Gloom?
Well, the point is that days like this don't define me or my journey. It's a few sentences of a chapter of an entire book that is still being written. In writing, we talk about our books or projects as our WIP - work-in-progress. And I am a walking WIP. I can state with fairness and matter-of-factness that I am feeling less-than or down or unfulfilled or whatever it is, and claim it. Not as a brick of self-pity to toss at myself, but as a simple statement. And then move on. It's like telling you that I had a BLT for lunch. No judgement. Just fact. So today I feel less-than. Tomorrow I probably won't feel that way. Maybe I will. But what remains is that I stay honest and remember that I have come a long way since the days of my active alcoholism. I have come a long way since I started to repair the damage of my past. I have come a long way since I thought putting myself under the wheels of a train would be a good idea (hint: it isn't.)
Other people have their own paths and journeys. I have to remind myself of that daily. Several times a day, in fact. I can't compare my behind-the-scenes to their highlight reel, as they say. But sometimes I do. I have to concentrate on my own scenes. Let them play out, and remember that gratitude goes a long way. That, and unicorns.