Supah Fly Quick Bio
I am a 45 year-old father, husband, son, brother, uncle and general worker bee. I have been sober for over five years. I am not a champion for recovery in any way, but merely an example of what recovery can do to change someone and their outlook on life.
I write, I run, I step on LEGO a lot. I have been active in recovery, which includes writing a blog called Message In A Bottle, which ran for over two years, and is still up for casual viewing. You'll find me online a lot, here and here. I am a seeker and look to all venues to bring more enlightenment to myself and to try and help others. I am not perfect. I scowl sometimes. I get down. I am as honest as I can get so I can find the light. Or have it find me.
I live in Canadaland with two young boys and a wife who somehow stuck with me through it all. Life is groovy.
What it was like
My early childhood was fantastic - loving parents, great school friends, happy outlook. But at some point, a switch went off. I was no longer good enough, smart enough, or just enough in any other way. I felt that when they were handing out handbooks on how to handle life, I must have been in the bathroom. I felt apart from, not a part of. Life seemed to be a struggle. Often bullied and ostracized, I took solace in books, writing, music...and eventually, alcohol.
Alcohol did for me what I couldn't do for myself - to actually feel comfortable in my own skin for once, to not hate myself, to not feel like I landed on this planet in some ET-type spaceship. I felt like I was attractive and funny and intelligent. I could leave my house. All my self-esteem issues seem to fall by the wayside when I drank. I felt that euphoria of being alive, of being of matter.
My drinking was strong and continued to get stronger, and more troubling. I marked it up to "partying", when really all I was doing was hanging with drinking buddies and getting drunk. My tolerance grew and my moodiness did too. Alcohol started to not be fun any more, but by that time, I was already hooked.
The alcohol worked until it didn't work any more. The consequences of my drinking were starting to escalate. I wrecked my car at 19 years old. I started to black out. My judgement started to waver and put myself in situations I shouldn't have been in. I was drinking the wrong amounts at the wrong times for the wrong reasons. I started to isolate. I started to vow and promise to not drink any more, which I could not follow through on. I started to question my intake, but was too caught up in it to make any positive changes.
My work started to suffer. My marriage was a wreck. People started to worry about me. I started to worry about me. My health suffered, my mental health suffered, my spirit was suffocated under the duress of guilt, shame and remorse. I drank secretly for years. It all came to a crashing halt when I got caught in my car over the legal limit. Many times over the limit. With my three-and-a-half old son in the back. The jig was up.
Soon enough I was living in my parent's basement, separated from my wife and was jobless. I drank again, and eventually broke down enough to seek treatment. I was done. I couldn't do it any more. I was broken emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. My ego cracked just enough to let the light in. I was taken to detox, treatment and started a program of recovery. I haven't taken a drink since then. May 4, 2011 is my dry date.
What it's like now
Life in recovery is exactly what I sought out when I was drinking for those twenty-five years. What I sought and needed is already within me. I looked for validation in the external things (which I can still find myself doing), but it's all an inside job. I worked, and continue to work, a recovery plan. I started to understand what it was that made me pick up in the first place. I was able to see that it wasn't a drinking problem I had, but a thinking problem; a spiritual malady, of sorts. I found that once I could clear the wreckage of my past, and to start healing old wounds, drink was the furthest from my mind. I was freed from that bondage.
I later reconciled with my wife. We adopted a beautiful boy to add to our family. We travel now. I found a job that I still have today. I discovered running and other things that fulfill me other ways. I meditate and pray and have made fantastic connections to others I never would have in the desolate cyclone of my addictive drinking and thinking. I am able to give back when I can. I started this podcast. I write and share and talk about my story. I am actually content with my life and can sit comfortably in my own body. What a groovy trip. I just pass on what was given to me many time - hope.