Supah Fly Quick Bio

I am a 45 year-old father, husband, son, brother, uncle and general worker bee. I have been sober for over five years.  I am not a champion for recovery in any way, but merely an example of what recovery can do to change someone and their outlook on life.

I write, I run, I step on LEGO a lot. I have been active in recovery, which includes writing a blog called Message In A Bottle, which ran for over two years, and is still up for casual viewing.  You'll find me online a lot, here and here. I am a seeker and look to all venues to bring more enlightenment to myself and to try and help others. I am not perfect. I scowl sometimes. I get down. I am as honest as I can get so I can find the light. Or have it find me.

I live in Canadaland with two young boys and a wife who somehow stuck with me through it all. Life is groovy.          

                                            There is a story in every empty bottle

                                            There is a story in every empty bottle

What it was like

My early childhood was fantastic - loving parents, great school friends, happy outlook. But at some point, a switch went off.  I was no longer good enough, smart enough, or just enough in any other way.  I felt that when they were handing out handbooks on how to handle life, I must have been in the bathroom.  I felt apart from, not a part of.  Life seemed to be a struggle. Often bullied and ostracized, I took solace in books, writing, music...and eventually, alcohol.

Alcohol did for me what I couldn't do for myself - to actually feel comfortable in my own skin for once, to not hate myself, to not feel like I landed on this planet in some ET-type spaceship. I felt like I was attractive and funny and intelligent.  I could leave my house.  All my self-esteem issues seem to fall by the wayside when I drank.  I felt that euphoria of being alive, of being of matter. 

My drinking was strong and continued to get stronger, and more troubling.  I marked it up to "partying", when really all I was doing was hanging with drinking buddies and getting drunk. My tolerance grew and my moodiness did too.  Alcohol started to not be fun any more, but by that time, I was already hooked. 

                                                                  Self portrait

What happened

The alcohol worked until it didn't work any more. The consequences of my drinking were starting to escalate. I wrecked my car at 19 years old. I started to black out. My judgement started to waver and put myself in situations I shouldn't have been in.  I was drinking the wrong amounts at the wrong times for the wrong reasons.  I started to isolate.  I started to vow and promise to not drink any more, which I could not follow through on. I started to question my intake, but was too caught up in it to make any positive changes.

My work started to suffer.  My marriage was a wreck.  People started to worry about me. I started to worry about me.  My health suffered, my mental health suffered, my spirit was suffocated under the duress of guilt, shame and remorse.  I drank secretly for years.  It all came to a crashing halt when I got caught in my car over the legal limit.  Many times over the limit. With my three-and-a-half old son in the back.  The jig was up.  

Soon enough I was living in my parent's basement, separated from my wife and was jobless. I drank again, and eventually broke down enough to seek treatment. I was done. I couldn't do it any more. I was broken emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. My ego cracked just enough to let the light in. I was taken to detox, treatment and started a program of recovery.  I haven't taken a drink since then.  May 4, 2011 is my dry date. 

         Mandatory "man opens arms to sun to represent freedom from something horrible" shot

What it's like now

Life in recovery is exactly what I sought out when I was drinking for those twenty-five years. What I sought and needed is already within me. I looked for validation in the external things (which I can still find myself doing), but it's all an inside job.  I worked, and continue to work, a recovery plan. I started to understand what it was that made me pick up in the first place. I was able to see that it wasn't a drinking problem I had, but a thinking problem; a spiritual malady, of sorts. I found that once I could clear the wreckage of my past, and to start healing old wounds, drink was the furthest from my mind. I was freed from that bondage. 

I later reconciled with my wife. We adopted a beautiful boy to add to our family. We travel now. I found a job that I still have today. I discovered running and other things that fulfill me other ways. I meditate and pray and have made fantastic connections to others I never would have in the desolate cyclone of my addictive drinking and thinking.  I am able to give back when I can. I started this podcast. I write and share and talk about my story. I am actually content with my life and can sit comfortably in my own body. What a groovy trip. I just pass on what was given to me many time - hope. 

                                       Just buzzing along the hope hive (gahhh..cheesy I know)